"Childhood is measured by sounds and smells and sights,
before the dark hour of reason grows"
John Betjeman
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
"Childhood is measured by sounds and smells and sights,
before the dark hour of reason grows"
John Betjeman
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Mood: Pissed Off
(edited: it's always like this. I will throw tantrums all over the place and feel stupid and ridiculous the next minute after post is up. T__T blogging is instant therapy. wuhuhuhu)
I miss you. I miss us.
Forget what I said.
I've had enough of our lows.
Let's just be like how we used to be ok?
I miss you. I miss us.
Forget what I said.
I've had enough of our lows.
Let's just be like how we used to be ok?
Monday, September 28, 2009
Last night, I dreamt I was NickBSB's girlfriend
After thousands of years, I finally get to meet the Idiot I love most.
Raya is not the same without She whom I share my food with no matter how hungry we both are;
Without She who gives god-awful pinches that leave irritating blueblacks on my flawless baby skin (HAHA SEMPAT);
Without She who will always comment on how I'm becoming more ladylike as compared to a tomboyish troll;
Raya is not the same without her.
I'm glad we had our open house.
But then. We also incidentally invite other monsters into our house.
Ni dia King Monster. If he's not in my close family, and if I were to not love him as much as I do now, I will ban him from my house and burn voodoo effigies of him everyday I tell you.
He's worse than nenek keropok, cucu nenek keropok, nenek keropok punya postman...
He thinks he is Maharaja. MaharajaMahaMerepek.
Kau tengok muka merepek dia pat katil aku yang aku penat-penat kemas sampai cantik rapi, kau dah tahu budak ni memang hidup untuk buat hidup orang lain susah.
Ni Monster Junior. Sometimes you want to shut her in a chest and throw it in the pacific. Especially if you say things like, "want me to do makeup for u?" eventhough it's really like a reflex-response to her observation of your 1001 makeup collection because you got 5 minutes to spare before having to go back to the kitchen to wash dishes, or refill drinks, or offer kuehs...
Tapi dia punya ingaaaaaat.
"KAK IKAH. KATA NAK MAKE UP KAN"
"I'M WAITING"
"HELLO."
"CEPATLAH KATA NAK BUATKAN MATA HUDA"
"KAK IKAH. HELLO"
Dah kalau kau nak ilmu kebal, takyah lah pergi meditate pat gua. Just spend one day with this girl. Call me if you interested.
Still got a few more monsters to talk about. but damn im sleepy. hahaha. goodnight.
I dreamt I was Nickbsb's girlfriend!!
Hehehehe.
Raya is not the same without She whom I share my food with no matter how hungry we both are;
Without She who gives god-awful pinches that leave irritating blueblacks on my flawless baby skin (HAHA SEMPAT);
Without She who will always comment on how I'm becoming more ladylike as compared to a tomboyish troll;
Raya is not the same without her.
I'm glad we had our open house.
But then. We also incidentally invite other monsters into our house.
Ni dia King Monster. If he's not in my close family, and if I were to not love him as much as I do now, I will ban him from my house and burn voodoo effigies of him everyday I tell you.
He's worse than nenek keropok, cucu nenek keropok, nenek keropok punya postman...
He thinks he is Maharaja. MaharajaMahaMerepek.
Kau tengok muka merepek dia pat katil aku yang aku penat-penat kemas sampai cantik rapi, kau dah tahu budak ni memang hidup untuk buat hidup orang lain susah.
Ni Monster Junior. Sometimes you want to shut her in a chest and throw it in the pacific. Especially if you say things like, "want me to do makeup for u?" eventhough it's really like a reflex-response to her observation of your 1001 makeup collection because you got 5 minutes to spare before having to go back to the kitchen to wash dishes, or refill drinks, or offer kuehs...
Tapi dia punya ingaaaaaat.
"KAK IKAH. KATA NAK MAKE UP KAN"
"I'M WAITING"
"HELLO."
"CEPATLAH KATA NAK BUATKAN MATA HUDA"
"KAK IKAH. HELLO"
Dah kalau kau nak ilmu kebal, takyah lah pergi meditate pat gua. Just spend one day with this girl. Call me if you interested.
Still got a few more monsters to talk about. but damn im sleepy. hahaha. goodnight.
I dreamt I was Nickbsb's girlfriend!!
Hehehehe.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Why my stars ain't shining so bright
This year, I made a resolution to be enormously excited and enthusiastic about Raya.
I don't know when I made this resolution.
But I made it. And I have apparently made some sub-resolutions along with it.
(Very good subconscious mindmapping system I have):
I want to enjoy going to every house eventhough I have noo idea who I'm visiting,
I want to eat everything I wanna without counting the hours of jogging to sweat them off,
I want to wear nice-nice clothes, nice-nice makeup and be as mentel as I can ever be,
I want to love and embrace everyone who visits my house without thinking of the cleaning up later...
I think I made these resolutions in a dream. My beloved Freud says dreams are all forms of "wish-fulfillment" — attempts by the unconscious to resolve a conflict of some sort, whether something recent or something from the recessess of the past. Return of the Repressed, if you may. I'm a showoff because I'm plonking down what I've learnt in lit classes, if you may.
You see, my experiences with Raya has been like the kind of coffee my dad likes. Bitter-sweet, but more bitter than sweet because he says his teeth will hurt if it's too sweet (99% of his teeth are fake btw -__-).
From Sec2-3, Raya is not so joyful joyful because I had created so much shit that I was reeking too much of shit to fully enjoy myself.
Sec4 is stupid Olevels.
My whole 2 years in JC made me a reclusive depressant that I couldn't even remember what happened in those dark dismal years.
But last year was lovely. It was one of the sweetest memory I have of Raya. I want to preserve that beautiful experience in all my Rayas to come.
Maybe that experience seeds itself into my brain and grew into a plant of resolutions.
So far, Alhamdullilah, this year is very special because of a few things:
1) Daddy is more patient. He waits for the ladies patiently. He smiles more. He laughs more. He's not kanchiong about time. This year, daddy is a charming, smiley relax jack.
2) Abang hugged me for the first time in my life.
I didn't know who I was to him until that moment.
It means the whole universe to me to know he loves me as much as I do him :')
3) It is the first in many years that we took Family Photos which are genuine. Real sparkles in the eyes. Real, happy smiles.
But there are some other stuffs that saddens and disppoints me.
Above everything else,
I want to see everyone being genuinely happy. No fights. No tensions.
Just happily contented with kuehs, lontongs, f&ns and each other's company.
I know behind their smiles there linger a longing for reconciliation, a longing for that once upon a time when everything and everyone was so bonded. It was beautiful and it was supposed to last.
But sometimes, adults become too much like children. They forget all consequences, and follow Nafsu instead of Akal. So what are they celebrating then, if they still have not learn to triumph over Nafsu? So what is the meaning of forgiveness then, if they have not really forgave? So what is the meaning of family, if it is so easily fraught by the most ridiculous, trivial things?
These 'adult matters' really do need a "kid's" perspective sometimes.
Kids don't just say the darndest things you know.
Sigh.
I hope everyone will recover their senses soon.
It's not too late.
:)
I don't know when I made this resolution.
But I made it. And I have apparently made some sub-resolutions along with it.
(Very good subconscious mindmapping system I have):
I want to enjoy going to every house eventhough I have noo idea who I'm visiting,
I want to eat everything I wanna without counting the hours of jogging to sweat them off,
I want to wear nice-nice clothes, nice-nice makeup and be as mentel as I can ever be,
I want to love and embrace everyone who visits my house without thinking of the cleaning up later...
I think I made these resolutions in a dream. My beloved Freud says dreams are all forms of "wish-fulfillment" — attempts by the unconscious to resolve a conflict of some sort, whether something recent or something from the recessess of the past. Return of the Repressed, if you may. I'm a showoff because I'm plonking down what I've learnt in lit classes, if you may.
You see, my experiences with Raya has been like the kind of coffee my dad likes. Bitter-sweet, but more bitter than sweet because he says his teeth will hurt if it's too sweet (99% of his teeth are fake btw -__-).
From Sec2-3, Raya is not so joyful joyful because I had created so much shit that I was reeking too much of shit to fully enjoy myself.
Sec4 is stupid Olevels.
My whole 2 years in JC made me a reclusive depressant that I couldn't even remember what happened in those dark dismal years.
But last year was lovely. It was one of the sweetest memory I have of Raya. I want to preserve that beautiful experience in all my Rayas to come.
Maybe that experience seeds itself into my brain and grew into a plant of resolutions.
So far, Alhamdullilah, this year is very special because of a few things:
1) Daddy is more patient. He waits for the ladies patiently. He smiles more. He laughs more. He's not kanchiong about time. This year, daddy is a charming, smiley relax jack.
2) Abang hugged me for the first time in my life.
I didn't know who I was to him until that moment.
It means the whole universe to me to know he loves me as much as I do him :')
3) It is the first in many years that we took Family Photos which are genuine. Real sparkles in the eyes. Real, happy smiles.
But there are some other stuffs that saddens and disppoints me.
Above everything else,
I want to see everyone being genuinely happy. No fights. No tensions.
Just happily contented with kuehs, lontongs, f&ns and each other's company.
I know behind their smiles there linger a longing for reconciliation, a longing for that once upon a time when everything and everyone was so bonded. It was beautiful and it was supposed to last.
But sometimes, adults become too much like children. They forget all consequences, and follow Nafsu instead of Akal. So what are they celebrating then, if they still have not learn to triumph over Nafsu? So what is the meaning of forgiveness then, if they have not really forgave? So what is the meaning of family, if it is so easily fraught by the most ridiculous, trivial things?
These 'adult matters' really do need a "kid's" perspective sometimes.
Kids don't just say the darndest things you know.
Sigh.
I hope everyone will recover their senses soon.
It's not too late.
:)
Saturday, September 19, 2009
2 hours and 23 Minutes to go
Dam dam dum bunyi mercun!
Pretty soon it's going to be Hari Raya and what's special about this year's is how I can feel the whole family's excitement and anticipation.
Compared to last year, we were pretty much nyeehhh about Raya because we feel so unsettled in our new home.
But this year, daddy has painted both toilets, eventhough only 50 cm square of the toilet needs repainting..
Mommets has been zooming around prepping the house with more vigour than ever.. And now she's pretty much flat out on the bed. Haha Kesian mommets *pats mommets' bum*
I've gotten my henna on my hands eventhough I cannot be bothered since forever.
Oh and because I'm so mentel, I henna-ed my toenails too. Which I super regret. SUPER UGLY. Doesn't help it that I've got ugly feet in the first place.
Like corpse feet right. Eee.
Even the fat bro has gotten himself henna-ed thanks to moi and lil sis.
Fierce woooh!
(Big bro dunchwan me to henna tribal design on his neck D':)
And despite stupid school plonking assignments after assignments on my back, I WILL make sure they don't stop me from celebrating with all my loved ones. HMPH.
Really can't wait to see the relatives, my lovely cutiepie nenek and beloved cousins..
One of them being this woman here.
Last but not least, to all my darling Muslim friends,
Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin, Loves!!
P.S: Oh and because you all really very manja and always keep pestering me to put up tagboard, I've got one specially for you
Compared to last year, we were pretty much nyeehhh about Raya because we feel so unsettled in our new home.
But this year, daddy has painted both toilets, eventhough only 50 cm square of the toilet needs repainting..
Mommets has been zooming around prepping the house with more vigour than ever.. And now she's pretty much flat out on the bed. Haha Kesian mommets *pats mommets' bum*
I've gotten my henna on my hands eventhough I cannot be bothered since forever.
Oh and because I'm so mentel, I henna-ed my toenails too. Which I super regret. SUPER UGLY. Doesn't help it that I've got ugly feet in the first place.
Like corpse feet right. Eee.
Even the fat bro has gotten himself henna-ed thanks to moi and lil sis.
Fierce woooh!
(Big bro dunchwan me to henna tribal design on his neck D':)
And despite stupid school plonking assignments after assignments on my back, I WILL make sure they don't stop me from celebrating with all my loved ones. HMPH.
Really can't wait to see the relatives, my lovely cutiepie nenek and beloved cousins..
One of them being this woman here.
Last but not least, to all my darling Muslim friends,
Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin, Loves!!
P.S: Oh and because you all really very manja and always keep pestering me to put up tagboard, I've got one specially for you
-__-
Saturday, September 12, 2009
It's What's In The Air
Dulu kan kawan-kawan, I sangat tak suka pergi geylang.
Pasal panas, berasap, dan terkepam dengan strangers kiri kanan depan belakang.
Lagipun, dulu-dulu, I kemetot. Jadi I cuma dapat view perut/pantat yang tak semestinya hot.
Plus, mak-mak bila beli baju diorang punyalah lama. Abeh bila my turn, punyalah cepat.
Jadi I tak suka Geylang.
Bila I dah besar sikit, I pun tak suka pasal I macam bingit ah dengan crowds, asap dari bazaar makanan yang buat rambut I bau busuk, orang pekik-pekik jual carpet, kueh, CD, bingit dengan gerai indon yang asek jual kebaya manik-manik obit, bingit asek tersandung lantai papan pat bazaar...
Tapi pasal time adolescence tuuu I bingit dengan semua benda ah generally.
Dalam tahun yang agak recent, I punya mindset tak tukar-tukar. Maklumlah, rasa tak suka tu dah dipupuk dari zaman polis pakai shorts lagi. Bila orang bilang I yang diorang pun tak suka geylang pasal reasons yang seakan sama dengan reasons I, I cepat nah setuju. Cepat I angguk dengan enthu. Geylang boring je ada ape seh pat geylang pfffft.Dahlah panas, sesak abeh kan mat n minahs pon bersepah. Ah camtu ah response I.
Tapi haritu I terpaksa pergi Geylang dengan family I untuk buy baju raya as a family. I pergi 2nd week raya and time malam. Dalam hati I dah ready set buat muka stone, muka tak kuasa. So sampai kami di Geylang, tetiba I rasa lain macam.
Crowd dia ok-ok je tak merimaskan, asap dari gerai makan tak lah berkepal-kepal macam orang jual makan takde mood nak masak untuk sesiapa, orang yang slalu pekik-pekik pakai loud hailer tetiba put the volume on low, lampu kelap-kelip gerai-gerai pun nampak macam layu, mats n minahs cuma satu dua ketol sana sini, for the first time I boleh rasa kipas angin pat dalam tent bazaar tu...
Mak kata pasal economy very bad, tu pasal tak ramai orang.
Peliknya, I kan sepatutnya happy. Geylang tak serimas macam dulu. Tapi I tak happy tau. I rasa... rindu and sedih sikit pun ada. I rasa macam ada benda yang missing bila Geylang tak kecoh macam dulu.
Then baru I paham. Selama ni I buta and pekak.
I look but did not see, hear but did not listen.
Every benda yang irritate dan yang membingitkan I dulu sebenarnya adds to the spirit of festivity in Hari Raya.
Looking at a packed bazaar full of my own people gives me a sense of togetherness, a feeling that Hari Raya is celebrated not only within my family cluster, but by all of us as one community.
The loud pakciks with hailers and mics and loud voices = the necessary buzz a bazaar can't do without. Thier teasing pantuns and lines from P.Ramlee shows make you smile without even knowing it. Mari mari mari lihat siiiiiapa yang dapat!
The dendengs, ramlys, katiras, biryani dam, kebabs, otak-otaks become more special in Ramadhan for they are faithfully there year in year out without change. Like a tradition we will look forward to now, then and probably always.
And suddenly, the mats and minahs everywhere becomes not an issue. Why do we judge label and condemn? Whoever gave us authority to select who deserves to Raya or not? Why shouldn't these people be more appreciated than those who dismiss the spirit of Hari Raya with pure ignorance and arrogance?
Bila contributory factors ni malap dan hilang baru I sedar betapa pentingnya mereka, bukan saja untuk menyemarakkan lagi semangat ceria Hari Raya dalam diri I, tapi untuk the whole of Malay-Muslim community juga.
Jadi tadi, bila I tengah shopping untuk lagi satu baju raya dengan boyfriend, I senyum saje walaupun kaki dipijak, badan ditolak dan riba disiku. I dah suka Geylang dah.
Ok gang.
Sekarang, mari lihat I dan boyfriend I joget untuk you all ya.
Encore! Encore!
Heheheehehe
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The Bob Speaks
Ok fine. The boyfriend LOATHES the curls.
He keeps looking at my hair in a sad, sad, way.
And he doesn't say I look pretty anymore.
He says I am no longer 'elegant'.
He doesn't like to touch my hair anymore.
*gasp!*
I've got a feeling that he doesn't love me as much anymore!!
Even though he denies it over again.
....But he has this look.
*gasp!gasp!*
The curls has caused a ridge between us!!!
Is it really that bad?!
*sobs*
Monday, September 7, 2009
Disappointment Over and Over Again
Once upon a time, I used to fear you were too good to be true.
I fear the price I have to pay for a bliss I feel so eerily undisturbed.
But slowly I learned to ease my guard, threw all caution and suspicion to the wind.
Now, just when I'm accepting this happiness without a doubt,
you turn me around and push me back to exactly where I was.
Back to suspicion and doubt, my awry bawdy melancholy friends.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
FREEDOOOOMMMMM
For too long now have I been waiting for it to happen.
For too long now have I been dreaming dreams of tearful joy, of the highest congratulations, of a heart set free of worry and sorrow.
And now, that very moment has come.
It was everything I had envisioned, had hoped, had prayed on bended knees for...
It was a dream come true
:')
I shall of course include you, dear friends, in this wonderful blessing that has come upon me.
Together, let's stand and behold this miracle like no other.
Let's all hold hands...
And witness...
My mole.
IT DROPPED OFF CAN YOU BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!
This mole used to be growing happily above my lips.
If they say moles are beauty spots, THEY LIE OK.
It has caused me much distress you all don't know.
How? Let's count thy ways.
Number one, IT IS BLOODY 3-DIMENSIONAL.
No matter at what angle you look at my face, you can see this thing jutting out merrily like the statue of liberty.
Number Two, IT IS BLOODY SHINY.
No matter in daylight or in darkness, this thing will shine like the beacon of hope.
Number Three, IT WANTS TO BE SEEN.
You think it is microscopic in pictures, but NO. You are wrong. This thing SEEKS attention. So the further you take it, the more prominent it makes itself.
So.
How can a 3-D, SHINY, ATTENTION-SEEKING mole above my lips be a beauty spot?!
It's a freaking mountain of eeky blackness on my face!
*gathers composure*
But now, with the stupid molehhh gone, I am feeling very gorgeous already.
~:D
*skips away to sign up for miss spore pageant and save us all from world damnation*
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Locked in my heart and threw away the key
We all have people we love ever so dearly.
I select these two monkeys to reign in my heart.
They reign in the most important chamber of my heart where the motherboard that controls what I do and what I feel is.
If they tell me to die, I'd have to do it.
If they tell me to lick their shoes, I'd do it.
But all they do, is just tell me to love.
Love love love.
(but I think tomorrow they'll ask me to lick their shoes -_-)
We never quite know how we became.
We just sort of did.
And then we have our adventures.
From teenage traumas to maths problems to scandals to bloopers to late-night-til-dawn chillouts to short getaways...
...we laughed through it all.
We are the merry queens three.
But as perfect as they may be, they have flaws too.
One has OCD and is addicted to sports. One is obsessed with memos and memorillias.
But these flaws come to fit so perfectly with my ADHD and short-wired brain.
Like jigsaws...
...We step back and realise we complement one another to create a picture of our own.
I've always believed that nothing is coincidence.
It is not a coincidence I have them to complete me.
May we grow to see our grandchildren grow together :)
I select these two monkeys to reign in my heart.
They reign in the most important chamber of my heart where the motherboard that controls what I do and what I feel is.
If they tell me to die, I'd have to do it.
If they tell me to lick their shoes, I'd do it.
But all they do, is just tell me to love.
Love love love.
(but I think tomorrow they'll ask me to lick their shoes -_-)
We never quite know how we became.
We just sort of did.
And then we have our adventures.
From teenage traumas to maths problems to scandals to bloopers to late-night-til-dawn chillouts to short getaways...
...we laughed through it all.
We are the merry queens three.
But as perfect as they may be, they have flaws too.
One has OCD and is addicted to sports. One is obsessed with memos and memorillias.
But these flaws come to fit so perfectly with my ADHD and short-wired brain.
Like jigsaws...
...We step back and realise we complement one another to create a picture of our own.
I've always believed that nothing is coincidence.
It is not a coincidence I have them to complete me.
May we grow to see our grandchildren grow together :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
