The decaying phone

I NEED a new phone.
And I am not saying this like a spoilt consumeristic brat.

I swear, I NEED a new phone.

This is the reason why:




CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
NO??

Well then let me tell you what it is.



THAT is a century's worth of slime on a forgotten ship that has sunk into the murky depths of an octopus' lair.

THAT is the little tufts of hair you find on a twenty-year-old bread.



THAT is what you find on a toad which wishes to grow a goatee like Brad Pitt.

THAT is what you find on a whale's teeth.



AND WHAT THE HELL IS IT DOING IN MY PHONE TO BE SPECIFIC BEHIND THE KEYPADS TO BE MORE SPECIFIC NEAR THE SPEAKER WHERE I PUT MY MOUTH ??!!

OH GOD I'M GOING TO DIE OF BACTERIAL INFECTION BECAUSE BACTERIAL SPORES HAVE ENTERED MY MOUTH ??!!

IT MUST BE WELL INTO MY SYSTEM BY NOW AND MY INTESTINES ARE PROLLY GROWING LITTLE TINY BACTERIAL HAIRS OH GOD THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN HAVING STOMACH CRAMPS ??!!
(no! it is not first-day-period-cramps! it's bacterial hair it's bacterial hair!..)

Oh trust me, I have put up with so much.
First, there's this sticky-sticky thing on the screen of the phone where it usually comes into contact with my cheeks and ears... it seems like some glue remnant from a sticker...

I DO NOT WISH TO THINK THAT IT IS SOME DRIED LIQUID MATTER FROM SOMEONE'S EARS.
NEITHER DO I WISH TO THINK THAT IT IS DRIED OIL FROM SOMEONE'S FACE.




Secondly, I need to summon GOD-LIKE EFFORTS to press the number 9.
So I need psychic powers to foresee any emergency cases so that I have plenty of time to try to press 9-9-9.
But then.
I don't have psychic powers do I.
Imagine the tragedy of having to dial 9-9-9 when I am the only witness to a bank robbery. By the time the police arrive, the robbers would have probably built a new country.


And with all the efforts to press no. 9 as well as to access the letter wxyz (YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY WORDS NEED THOSE LETTERS @#@%#^@!), my thumb is larger than the rest of my fingers because of developed muscles. Pretty soon you can call me Thumbetikah.


Boyfriend, are u listening?
I NEED A NEW PHONE. HMPH.
I want N85. HMPH.